The Outline of the Woman

Some days you arise feeling no inclination to move or to press ahead with your day, and such was the case with me today. The universe quickly reminded me that there were other plans for me. I was awoken by a knock at the door, which led to incessant barking by our dog, and as a result I found myself in my bathrobe at the front door. From here my day continued on. Looking back I have discovered that I am a woman who will not ignore a knock on the door, even when every bone in my body begs me not to move. I put others first. Once out of bed I was determined not to return and went through my morning routine. I am a person who upon starting something must continue through with it. So while being a mother I must continue with my studies and my career path, even if my approach may change. This afternoon and early evening there were moments when I continued to feel lost and overwhelmed, however I am beginning to get the sense the woman who is out there and what her outline may be. While still yet dim, it is enough to know that she exists and can be glimpsed.

The Broken Woman of Silence

Speaking out is always hard it seems, it isn't my natural tendency and was unexpected and silenced in my upbringing. Besides it is always easier to put on the facade that everything is okay, it evokes less questions, stares, and minimizes the likelihood that someone will think you are crazy. That being said I ventured into a counsellors office today to break that silence... and while that silence was broken and I didn't fall apart no earth-shattering moment came to bring me peace either. It makes me wonder why I thought there might be some quick fix to my struggles?

The Woman Evades Me

The morning after my daughter was born I remember sitting in the hospital full of trepidation that my life would never be the same, of course at that point I was more concerned about physical healing. I was worried about things like being able to sit comfortably in a chair, being able to pee without crying, and being able to walk further than the short few steps to the kitchen across the hall. I wondered when I would be back to normal and my usual routine including walks, bowel movements, and my non-maternity clothes. At that time it never occurred to me that there would be a part of me that would never be the same. I became a mom, and from then on I would be mom whether I wanted to be or whether it was convenient. I the epic organizer and planner could no longer plan my sleep schedule, control access to my milk-filled nipples, or control my dear baby's crying. Everything had changed. The woman I had been before giving birth had taken off, probably in the very moment that my daughter arrived in the delivery room, never to return. In the days that followed I did everything I could to heal fast and well. Sure that once my physical body started returning to its normalcy that my emotions and mentality would as well. However, the more that some things returned to normal I began to realize that some other things simply never would. At about two weeks I started to despair who was I? What woman had I become? My partner and friends tried to console me, people endeavouring to mean well told me to just focus on being a mother, probably thinking that being a masters student and focused on my career path was adding extra stress. The problem however losing the sense of who I was. Sitting in baby classes with other mothers and their infants talking about diaper emergencies was not me. While I loved being a mother I longed to be something more, and was not feeling fulfilled staying at home and being the perfect housewife and mom. I longed to be those things and more, but with no sense of purpose it was often all that I could do to get out of bed or eat meals without the encouragement of my partner... I often would wait until I started to feel faint to struggle downstairs for a snack. I was not a bad mother, but hardly a housewife. The problem was I soon realized all this, but still did not know how to find the woman that I was or wanted to be... I just knew the woman I would never again be.